Why I’m Happy I Gained 30 Lbs…

I was browsing through some old pictures and I ran into this picture of myself. If you know me personally you probably know I struggled with bulimia and binge eating for a long period of my life. I always  had body image issues growing up. But when I moved away from home at the age of 17 things just sort of spiraled out of control. I lived a life of hiding and pretending. Shifting between days of binging and purging and hiding my feelings and real emotions from everyone around me. It was easy for me to hide my problem because I was going to school in Paris while my family lived in Florida. Nobody knew or understood the extent of my problem because they weren’t close enough to realize I needed help. For a long time I felt like food was my only comfort and “friend”. I had so many people around me but I felt so alone. I was ashamed to admit I had a problem and  I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.

This was me at one of the lowest points in my life. This picture was taken shortly after I realized I needed to get help. I’m 5″7 and in this picture I weighed 109lbs. The sad part is I felt horrible that day because I had already gained about 10lbs and I thought I was HUGE. I remember this day like it was yesterday. Our friend invited us over to eat at his house and I spent the entire day blaming myself for the food I was gonna eat. I remember eating the food that he made and then  anxiously waiting for everyone to get distracted so I could go and purge.

You can’t tell by looking, but in this picture I’m wearing clothes that were two sizes too big. I remember wearing leggings underneath my pants to try to stop them from falling.

Eating disorders can completely change our perception of reality. They can turn us into our worst enemies and judges and isolate us from those who love us and care about us.

I feel so lucky that I was able to get help on time. Therapy, fitness and nutrition were my salvation. Understanding my body and channeling my energy on something other than food really helped me find the light again. Today, my goals are so different than they were back then. I weigh a happy 130 lbs. and I am PROUD to say I’ve gained weight. I wanna be stronger, faster, fearless.

The scale no longer determines my mood, or my perception of myself. I’m heavier; Yes. But now, I have the energy I need to get through my days. I’m not walking around feeling brittle, weak and out of control. I feel powerful enough to talk about my problems. Today I don’t let food dictate how I live my life. I’m in control of my own destiny and I’m proud as hell of it.

Why am I sharing this…?

Because a lot of times we let who we WERE determine who we can be. We forget we have the ability to change and to take control. We forget that we have a choice. That our destiny is nothing more than a combination of choices and decisions that we make and that we can change our behaviors and make the choices we need to take in order to be truly happy.

If you’re struggling with body image issues, don’t be scared to ask for help. It’s totally possible to find healing and to come to love and accept your body. If you’re not struggling, someone you know might be. My point with writing this post is to break that belief that we need to be perfect to be accepted. To make it okay to say we have issues we need to work on. In a society with so much pressure for perfection; I wanna tell you it’s okay to be flawed. You’re flaws are beautiful and some day they will be a part of what makes you unique. We all have our battles, some bigger than others. Share the message and offer a hand to those who need it and ask for the help if you need it yourself.

Share, Love & Inspire. Things always get better

Love ,

Dayhanna